The New Mop Exclusion
by LadyHouston
Summary: Just a little birthday fic for Medusa20. Sheldon teaches Penny how to clean. The right way. Smutty one-shot without actual smut.


Penny had no idea how this could have happened. In all the years that she lived across the hallway from Dr. Whack-a-Doodle, she never thought it would come to this. She blinked back tears of joy as she studied her surroundings. Everything seemed new, so different. Every part of her body ached, but she couldn't have been happier. Her apartment was clean.

And she was the one who cleaned it.

Okay, sure. If it wasn't for Sheldon it would still be, what was it he called it - a Deluge of Detritus, a Cornucopia of Clutter, a Tourbillion of Turmoil. Whatever. It was clean now, like commercial clean and she did it with her own hands. Mostly.

Originally, she asked Sheldon to clean it for her. Ever since that first week she moved in and found out he had broke in in the middle of the night and organized, she realized that she could actually get some free housekeeping. She started deliberately leaving clothes strewn around the place, silverware all over the counters, and maybe a few cheerios thrown into various corners. Then she would pretend to get pissed off when Sheldon broke in to clean.

It went like that for about six months before he finally started coming around during the day, with a bucket full of cleaning supplies and a pair of blue gloves, demanding that she let him in so he could "be the anchor in the turbulent sea of Penny induced chaos." It became their weekly thing. She would watch a movie, paint her nails or just talk while Sheldon cleaned her apartment.

So when he stopped, she wasn't sure what to do. She still saw him for Halo Night, Laundry Night and Paintball, but he all together stopped coming over to clean. She felt like it would be rude to come out and ask him to do it, but after about a month of hinting her place was beginning to smell.

"Why haven't you been cleaning my apartment?" She practically yelled one day as she burst through his front door.

"Hello, Penny. Nice to see you, too. I've been having a grand day, thank you for asking." He eyed her from his spot. Penny glared at him, but he continued to smirk. "Just so you know, that was sarcasm."

"Who the hell says 'grand' anyway?"

Sheldon sighed and put down his remote. "Apparently I do. And to answer your previous question, I stopped cleaning your apartment because I'm not going to do it anymore."

"Why?" Penny asked deflated and sinking into the couch, afraid of the answer.

"Because you are."

Yeah, that was what she was afraid of. Her heart began to pound in her ears and her vision became blurry as tears formed in her eyes.

"No crying," Sheldon said sternly and held up his hand. "You're not getting out of this one."

Damn. That usually worked.

"But I don't know how to," she whined. Maybe she could change his mind using logic.

"Judging by the state of your domicile for the past five years, I would say that was fairly obvious." He stood up and ignored Penny's glare as he made his way to his desk. "I've taken the liberty to prepare a detailed checklist." He picked up a thick stack of papers and handed them to Penny.

She skimmed the first few pages in disgust. "Are you serious? You want me to floss the kitchen faucet?"

"As well as the bathroom faucet. It's on page twenty-three."

"I'm not doing that, Sheldon."

"And yet you expect me to do it every week?"

Penny stopped dead in her tracks. Is that what he thought? Did he think she expected him to detail clean her apartment? She did barge into his place and demand to know why he stopped. Wow, what a bitchy thing to do. She didn't want to turn into Alicia, so she put on her sweetest and softest voice that she was almost certain Sheldon would not register anyway.

"Will you please help me?"

"No." His answer was so quick and to the point that it took a second for her to realize that he stopped talking.

"No?"

"No."

"Why not?" She whined.

"Why not? I'll tell you why not. We will both go to your apartment. At first, you will join me in tidying up your living room. However, by the time we get to the kitchen, you will be sitting on your couch reading a magazine while I take a toothbrush to the burners on your stove."

Penny did her best to look indignant. "I will not!" she answered, her voice cracking.

Sheldon looked at her for a moment, his head cocked slightly to the side and his lips pursed like he did when he was trying to solve the mysteries of the universe or deciding whether he would order pepperoni or mushrooms on his pizza.

"Tell ya what," he began in a drawl. "I will help you, but I won't do anything. You will be the one to clean and I will direct you from the sidelines."

That didn't sound too bad. She did enjoy his company and - wait, did Sheldon just use a sports reference?

"I will do this," he began again, interrupting her thoughts "But I have a few stipulations."

Balls.

"First, you must do everything on this list. Second, you must do everything I say without argument or complaint. Third, if you violate either of the first two stipulations I will cease helping you and you will be on your own."

So Penny had a choice. Either live with the unlivable mess across the hall (seriously, it was really bad) or be under complete control of Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

"Well, have a nice day!" She said sweetly and quickly walked back to her apartment.

XXXX

It turned out that Penny really had no clue where to begin. There was junk everywhere and the smell really was getting pretty bad. When she realized she had no idea where the smell was coming from, she decided to give in to Sheldon's demands.

At first it wasn't so bad. He watched her and called out instructions from the doorway (he refused to come in due to fear of contamination) while she tidied. After an hour, the clutter had been cleared, the laundry sorted and folded, the silverware back where it belonged and the dishes washed, dried and put away. She had to admit, the place was already looking better.

Eventually, Sheldon made his way into her apartment with a bucket full of cleaning supplies and a pair of pink gloves that he had been holding on to just for this occasion.

"Put on these gloves," he said holding them out for her.

"Aww, you got pink ones for me? How sweet!" She smiled and took the gloves.

"Just put them on," Sheldon answered in a clipped tone.

"Sir, yes Sir!" She saluted and slipped the latex over her hands.

Sheldon carefully laid out an array of sponges of different colors. He picked up a blue one and handed it to her.

"Wet the sponge with warm water, spray the counters with this," he waved a hand at a bottle of cleaner, "and wipe every square inch of this surface. Behind appliances, behind the sink. Everywhere."

Penny noticed that Sheldon was getting more demanding as the day went on. He would throw orders at her in sharp tones and would watch her intently as if she were an unsolvable equation on a whiteboard. He never sounded mean, but she was finding it harder and harder to resist his commands.

As she worked on the counters, he walked behind her, bent over and peered over her shoulder. She found her breath catching as he told her in soft tones near her ear that she missed a spot.

When she brought out the Windex to clean the windows, Sheldon grabbed her wrist before she could spray. His hand was hot and his eyes were icy blue when he lectured her about how the Dutch, who pride themselves on a clean home, would only use soap and water. He directed her to fill the bucket and use the green sponge for the windows.

"Only vertical movements, never circular," he told her and his eyes followed her as she moved up and down against the glass. She exaggerated the motions to see if he noticed. Secretly, she getting turned on by his orders, but she would never have admitted it. If he realized, he never gave any indication.

Until it came time to wash the floor.

She grabbed a mop from beside her refrigerator. It was a new mop - well, it was new in that she bought it when she moved in, but never used it. Without Sheldon's command, she emptied and refilled the bucket with hot, soapy water and placed it on the floor. She went to dip the mop in the bucket, but Sheldon stopped her.

"No," he said in a voice that made her think she needed to start singing Soft Kitty over again. "Do it properly."

"I don't - " she mumbled, not sure what he meant.

He took the mop from her hand and laid it gently against the wall. Selecting a yellow sponge, he placed it in the bucket of soapy water and then put it on the floor.

"On your hands and knees," he said in a clipped tone and suddenly Penny was finding it difficult to breathe. His face was stern, devoid of emotion but his eyes were dark and hooded. Penny looked down at the sponge on the floor and swallowed, not sure where this was headed. She looked back up at Sheldon and he raised an eyebrow in impatience.

Slowly, she descended to her knees and wrapped her fingers around the sponge.

"In circles," he said again, in a deep and throaty voice she'd never heard from him before. She began to move the sponge around slowly as she felt her cheeks grow hotter under Sheldon's watchful eye. A strange feeling overcame her, a mixture of self-consciousness and arousal. She licked her lips and watched him watch her out of the corner of her eye.

Suddenly he was on the floor with her. His knees landed on either side of hers and he bent over her, covering her hand with his.

"Large circles." Although he was whispering, his tone was still strong. He began to move the sponge in long, arches and she felt as if she was going to fall onto the floor when she felt him grind into her. Their breathing was fast but synchronized as they moved together around the floor covering every inch of linoleum.

She let out an accidental moan and she had to pause for a moment. Her heart pounded in her ears. She could feel her cheeks burning. Tilting her head to the side, she listened for any indication that Sheldon heard her.

"Did I tell you to stop?" He whispered in her ear, his mouth centimeters away. Although his words were harsh, his voice was soft and needy. Her breath caught in her throat at that moment. She began moving again, slower, testing the waters.

When she felt his teeth graze her ear, she nearly choked. With a sudden burst of energy, she threw the sponge back into the bucket and stood up, watching Sheldon stumble in her absence.

"Come on. Let's go." She said, her voice as commanding as Sheldon's had been all day.

"Wha-?" Sheldon squeaked from the floor. He cleared his throat and started again. "What? Where? You haven't finished the floor!"

"It's good enough. Now let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"To the bedroom."

"Why?"

Penny practically marched toward her bed and hoped Sheldon wasn't far behind her.

"Because it's my turn to tell you what to do."

XXXX

Penny stood back and surveyed her surroundings.

"Your efforts today have been commendable," Sheldon's voice came from behind. He wrapped his arms around her waist. "There are areas in which you can improve, however."

Penny smiled and leaned her head back against Sheldon's shoulder. She looked down at her kitchen floor and realized it was still pretty wet.

"You could always come by next week and teach me."

Sheldon let go of her and walked toward the bookcase. He held out a finger and wiped it across a shelf. After giving her look of haughty derision, he rubbed his fingers together to rid them of invisible dust.

"I think we're not finished here. Go get your duster."

Penny stared at him in disbelief for a moment. He raised his eyebrows at her and once again, she found herself obeying his command.


End file.
